Yo Joe! We're recruiting the biggest box office stars of 1983 to imagine the movie we could have had, if Hasbro and Marvel had immediately mobilized the Joes to take on Hollywood.
The early 80s were a golden time for cartoons. It didn't matter which one was your favorite. After all, they shared a common story. A team of heroes faced off against a team of villains every Saturday morning, or weekdays after school. G.I. JOE was the best of the bunch.
This week, G.I. JOE: A Real American Hero celebrates it's 40th anniversary of the very first 5-part miniseries titled The M.A.S.S. Device. If you're feeling as nostalgic as me, you can currently find it streaming free on the Tubi app. You can also check out the special episode we did on A Film By... podcast here.
Revisiting this landmark in animation had me immediately digging out my Marvel collection of G.I. JOE comics, and rewatching all (not you, DIC) the seasons that followed the miniseries. Then two questions came to me. The first, if this property was popular enough to sell comics, toys, and Underoos, why didn't we get a live-action movie in the early 80s? Scrolling through the Facebook page of The Finest - A G.I. JOE Costume Club, I was blown away by the incredible details and passion that fans put into their cosplay, which led me to my second question; if they had made an accurate movie in '83, or '84, who would have been cast?
I had Snake Eyes Underoos!
We had to wait until 2009 for a sub-standard movie that ignored character likenesses and the basic premise of the cartoon. It's "Rock-centric" 2013 follow-up, and the "charlie-foxtrot" Snake Eyes origin movie did little more to satisfy me. Based on the "M.A.S.S. Device" plotline, here are my casting picks, circa 1983, for a hypothetical G.I. JOE: A Real American Hero movie, directed by Tony Scott for Paramount Pictures.
SAM SHEPARD AS DUKE
Sam Shepard in The Right Stuff (1983)
Playing heroes came easy to Shepard. He portrayed test pilot Chuck Yeager in The Right Stuff (1983). At age 40 in 1983, he had the experience and physicality needed to lead the Joes.
BEVERLY D'ANGELO AS SCARLETT
Already an accomplished actress, D'Angelo cemented herself as one of Hollywood's most memorable moms in 1983's National Lampoon's Vacation. She was tough, feisty, and assertive when need be. She helped Chevy Chase drive cross-country to break into Wally World. I'm sure she could storm the Cobra Temple with Duke.
LAWRENCE FISHBURNE AS STALKER
Sure, Fishburne was only 22-years old in 1983, but before that, at age 14, he convinced us he was old enough to be a GM3 in Apocalypse Now. Fishburne had the necessary gravitas to be the Joe's Ranger.
VIC ARMSTRONG AS SNAKE EYES
Armstrong pictured with Harrison Ford.
The role of Snake Eyes definitely requires the best stunt man in the business. In 1983, Vic Armstrong was that stunt man. Having doubled Christopher Reeve in Superman, George Lazenby in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, and Harrison Ford in the first three Indiana Jones movies, Armstrong would have been the ideal pick to bring G.I. JOE's silent, masked, Commando to life.
ARTHUR BURGHARDT AS DESTRO
Admittedly, my first thought was Darth Vader actor David Prowse looking imposing behind that steel mask, as Burghardt reprised his iconic voice acting. But it's doubtful he'd be agreeable to playing half a role after Empire. Then I remembered just how imposing Arthur Burghardt was in real life when I recently seen him in Network (1976). Destro's steel mask being molded from Burghardt's actual face would have been an extra special touch for the movie.
CHER AS THE BARONESS
Cher at the 55th Academy Awards in 1983
Here's a role that needs a superstar to really add some credibility to the movie. Take one look at 1983 Cher and tell me that she doesn't embody the Baroness 100%. Her performance in Silkwood (1983) proved she had more to offer than variety show appearances. Her celebrity status would have had men and women alike lining up to see her thwarting the Joes at every opportunity.
LOUIS GOSSETT JR AS DOC
Gossett Jr in Jaws 3-D (1983)
Gossett Jr took home the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for An Officer And A Gentleman the year before, but it never put him off making genre movies in sci-fi, horror, and action. At age 47 in 1983, he's probably a bit too old to play Stalker, but he's a lock for Doc!
ROBERT ROMANUS AS MAJOR BLUDD
Romanus in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
Before you send me to Cobra's Arena of Sport to face a crazed giant, hear me out! Bludd may have led Cobra's attacks, but he was a bit of a weasel and tended to suck up to Cobra Commander. In 1983, Romanus may be a bit young at 27, but you can't deny he's not an interesting choice to play Cobra's mercenary with a fondness for writing bad poetry. Consider how deftly he balanced cool and callow behaviors as Mike Damone in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982). Besides, my first pick, Scott Glenn, wasn't taking my calls.
KURT RUSSELL AS SNOW JOB
Russell in John Carpenter's The Thing (1982)
Just for fun, I'm throwing this choice in for my friend, and co-host, Scott Hoffman. If you listened to our G.I. JOE: A Real American Hero - The M.A.S.S. Device episode, then you heard Scott lament what he feels is the missed opportunity for Snow Job to take a likeness after Kurt Russell's iconic R.J. MacReady in The Thing (1982). Is Scott onto something here?
CHRIS LATTA AS COBRA COMMANDER
Latta's intimidating physicality was too much to play Cobra's lean, loathsome leader, but there simply is no other person that could have given the role what it needed. His voice acting defined Cobra Commander, much in the same way it did for Starscream in Transformers. In this case, we've already got Vic Armstrong for Snake Eyes. We could have had him bring in a fellow stunt man to don the chrome face plate, making it easy for Latta to do what he did best.
